John's Weigh-in, March 16: 246 lbs.

Hi. My name is John, and I'm a fat son of a bitch.

In other news, New Jersey is considering banning Brazilian bikini waxes, which means that when Andy visits Atlantic City for Thunder Over The Boardwalk--which is apparently an event where bored New Jersey residents sit under the boardwalk while Andy walks above them--he'll have to rock his Speedo-and-crucifix ensemble over his hair shirt.

Now, since I'm still battling this cold, I'm going to take a nap.