Just a Walk in the Park, Buddy

We were at the mall Saturday, taking turns entertaining Lily while the other shopped. So I come back to the kids’ play area and Ashley has a concerned look on her face. “You need to have a talk with your brother, and you both need to understand that this has to stop.”

“What has to stop?”

“There was this real heavy-set couple, and Lily said, ‘Mom, look! Those people are really FAT!”

I texted this story to my brother, which led to the following exchange:

Him: Maybe you shouldn’t let her read your blog anymore.

Me: And I’m no longer allowed to make fun of your obesity.

Him: Why does your wife not support your dreams?

Me: Right?

Him: Did you immediately ask for a divorce?

Me: Yes. I’m moving in with you.

Him: Tight it will be like two and half gentleman, only ghetto. Or is like my two dads, only hella ghetto…

Me: Super Ghetto.

I think he was assuming Lily would be coming with me, which would make the references to the TV shows relevant. Or else we would be raising his dog together.

Anyway, I’m just glad it wasn’t me who was there, because I would have had the involuntary laugh-spasm before the horrifying embarrassment took over. Lucky for me, and this is why contrary to the text-conversation, the Professor has enough shame for both of us.

Also lucky for me, I got to feel superior to other parents at the play space, especially the father of this one little bastard named, I shit you not, “Cougar.”

Who names their kid Cougar? No wonder the kid was an asshole; his parents obviously hate him, since they named him after the lamest pilot in Top Gun, the one Maverick rescued by flying upside down so he could flip off the Russian while Goose Took a picture. Couldn’t hack it.



Only substitue "bullied 2 year-old who has suddenly turned the tables" for "mig," and you get the picture. And Maverick doesn't stick up for punk-ass little bastard bullies.

UPDATE: The professor tells me that before we switched off, Cougar was acting like a maniac, pushing the little kids out of the car, etc. But then kids started avoiding, because he was obviously psycho. He would just start punching the steering wheel of the foam car, screaming. And then, every once in awhile, he'd throw his head back and scream:

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO SHARE!!!"

I would so rather have the kid who insults heavy people than the kid who punches cars and screams at no one.

Although, I will work on being a better example.